Becon

Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it. 😜

Worry

“Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.”  😜

Truck

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too. 😁

Carton

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.  😜

Eat

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?  😜

Easter Bunny

Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes? To IHOP, of course! 😜

Ice Hockey

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo. 😜

Bird

“Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.” 😜

Diet

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious. 😜

Calories

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.  😜

Vacuum Cleaner

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust. 😜

Difference

Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care. 😜

Live

I intend to live forever.  So far, so good. 😜

Fitness App

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house. 😜

Trampoline

My husband just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; he hit the roof. 😜

Whales

How do you get two whales in a car?

Start in England and drive west.  😜

Common

Q: What do dogs and storytellers have in common?
A: They both have tails! 😜

Arrest

A police recruit was asked, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?" His answer, "Call for backup!" 😜

Taller

Did you know taller people sleep longer in bed?  😜

Money

If money doesn't grow on trees why do banks have branches? 😜

Bumps

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. 😜

10 Apples 14 Oranges

If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?

Really, really big hands. 😜

Dentist

What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?

eBay

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches. 😜

Email

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat. 😜