TV

I saw an ad that read: “Television for sale $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought to myself, "I can’t turn that down."  😜

Fast

Officer: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Me: “Isn’t it your job to tell me?”  😜

Rookie

A rookie was asked what he would do if he had to arrest his mother.

“I’d call for backup!” 😜

Toilet

Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. Police say they have nothing to go on.  😜

Driving

“When I saw you driving, I guessed 80 at least.”
“You’re wrong, officer, it’s only my hat that makes me look that old.” 😜

Hole

Latest news: A hole has been found in the wall surrounding the local nudist colony.

Police say they are looking into it.  😜

Tires

Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.  😜

Pulled Over

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “You were bored and wanted some company?” 😜

Drummer

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two. 😜

Dad Puns

The best dads are really punny.

Dad puns—that's how eye roll.

You did a grape job raisin me. 😜

Train

Q. Why should you never trust a train?

A. They have loco motives. 😜

Officer

Officer: “Why did you park here?”

Me: “The sign says, ‘Fine for parking.'” 😜

Mix

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila Mockingbird  😜

Optometrist

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?  😜

Computer

Q. What do you call a computer that sings?

A. A-Dell 😜

Monkeys

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates. 😜

Happy Flag Day

Q. What did the flag say to the pole?

A. Nothing, it just waved. 😜

Complex

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex. 😜

Bad Puns

Bad puns…it's how eye roll.  😜

Longest Word

What is the longest word in the dictionary?

"Smiles" because there's a mile between each "s"  😜

Karma

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.  😜

Overweight

What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller!  😜

Difference

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire  😜

eBay

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 13,749 matches.  😜

Astronaut

Q. What is an astronaut's favorite part of the computer?

A. The Spacebar  😜

Spies

Q. What kind of shoes do all spies wear?

A. Sneakers  😜

Ants

Why don’t ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.  😜

Icy

People think "icy" is the easiest word to spell. Come to think of it, I see why.  😜

Worms

Did you hear about the two silkworms in a race? It ended in a tie!  😜

Geo

Geology rocks but Geography is where it’s at!  😜